Spoiling Myself : No Remorse

I’ve had a hard road the past few years. Multiple surgeries, facing ghosts from the past and burying things that have kept me from being what I’m meant to be.

My mom complained one day, I remember it like it happened yesterday, she complained that I was a selfish child and that she took food out of her plate and put it on mine. She told me she almost died in childbirth with me and that she had a few miscarriages before me and at least one after me. This was told to a 10 year old. The early 80’s recession was happening and invariably few years we lost our house because my dad lost his job. From that point he went from job to job, we went from our house to row churches parsonage to a townhouse to an apartment all within 3 years. Stability was list, I took it on as a punishment from god because I was sinful.

What it was, simply put, my dad couldnt hold a job, my mom was a paranoid schizophrenic and we belonged to a religious cult.

I went to Chicago last weekend, I felt guilty, I had a massage last night and do it monthly and I know it is good for me but I dont fully relax. I do my art and the joy it gives me seems empty because i watch my wife with our girls and i ask myself am i doing enough with and for them.

Today we put together balsam wood models, painted them watched videos and now I’m at home writing this while they are at a play. I’m not there because I’m supposedly recording a podcast. If my partner flakes then I’ll record my own show once they are down I bed.

I’m not looking for anyone absolution, I am just trying to figure out the balance. Like we all are. Bunch if unbalanced people tripping over and into each other.

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