Fearless Transparency / Finding Myself

#NaPoWriMo

Day 7

Www.napowrimo.net
Today, we’d like to challenge you to write a poem of gifts and joy. What would you give yourself, if you could have anything? What would you give someone else?

Authors note : those that know me, know that this isprobably the most difficult thing to write about, I give, but usually leave nothing in the tank, and yet find a way to press on. I think this poem helped me find what I want. Or at least helped me find a way to ask for it.

Fearless Transparency / Finding Myself

7 April 2019

The line between smothering and sheltering

I’m not the expert I’d like to be

Wearing so many masks,

I look into the mirror to see who I am going to be today

Encouraging you to be open, but protective

Your heart will be stomped on, many times

The merciless hordes

and know this, I’d fight everyone of them

But I don’t even know what my nature is anymore

Since you have been born

I’m not the fiend that raised me

although I hear both of their voices when my mouth forces air

through my once jagged teeth

I can’t teach you how to overcome my past

Hell I’m not sure what to share

You all will see these words and the weekly diary

that you will be given to pour over

when you both are eighteen

It is not complete, neither am I

my marathon doesn’t end in 26 miles

Today, I am to ask the universe for a gift

for myself and or for someone else

I do what I have always done, I ask for someone else first

and for you I ask for a life of knowing

knowing who you are, the desire for knowledge

may it always influence your journey

may it always be a marathon,

may the struggle keep you hungry, but never starved

because starvation makes us do unsavory things

As for me, I simply ask to have the wisdom to never discover what guides me, to never understand magic and to one day

be able without fear

to lie in bed – alone – with the lights off

without music to distract

without drugs to misdirect

To be able to lay with my demons

and know rest.

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